Couple Talk 2: The Vacation
by JaerWolfe
Summary: Ah, yes. "Relaxing vacation." We have dismissed these claims.


**_A/N: This is for jillyfae who gave me the idea. This is also for Fort...because whether s__he intended it or not, I took it as a dare._**

**_Thanks to Sesh as well for helping me find a story description. I hate writing those things._**

* * *

"Where do you keep getting those shirts?"

Sweating, pacing her breaths, Shepard didn't pause on the weight bench. She was sitting upright, her arms smoothly pushing the padded weight bars from the side to meet in front of her. She was in knee length shorts and a sports bra covered by a gray t-shirt, the sleeves torn off and the neckline ripped down her throat with the wording 'Property of Kaidan Alenko' across the front.

"Secret admirer." Shepard said with a smile in his direction. "Why? Don't you like them?"

The man in question crossed his arms over his chest and watched as she continued her reps, his eyes more on her chest than the smoothness of her arm curls. "The practical side of me that respects women and values their contributions to society as well as their capabilities is appalled by the idea that I could own any woman, especially you."

She laughed, amused and continued her workout. "And you have another side that differs?"

"The Neanderthal side of me just grunts and goes damn right."

Delight exploded from her as she finished her arm reps and reached for the nearby protein water.

"Oh, come on. You're not done are you?" His brown eyes twinkled at her. "I was still reading the words."

Her lips curved into a smile as she set the water aside. "Maybe you'd prefer the Braille version?"

"If we were alone, I would definitely prefer the Braille version." He answered before leaning down to kiss her. "I have a thing to do for Anderson this afternoon and then I have leave for the next three weeks."

"Three weeks?" She tilted her head, smiling. "What a coincidence. I have the next three weeks of my own schedule cleared as well. The Normandy is getting a well deserved upgrade and overhaul and if I stay I'll have to listen to Joker bitch and moan about his baby being gutted. Or that he wants a real disco ball light in the cockpit because EDI has inspired him."

"I also have reservations on a commercial freighter that will take us to a vacation resort on Tybalt III. Very exclusive little bungalows. Very private and very much alone." His voice lowered, husky and warm, his eyes promising things she really wanted to take him up on.

"I really hope the reservations are under assumed names." Her gaze flickered about the gym as she silently cursed the fact they weren't alone.

Sympathy darkened those beautiful eyes, but there was humor as well. "What? The Savior of the Citadel, the Hero of Humanity, the Defender of the Galaxy who defeated the Reapers and preserved species everywhere doesn't like her fame?"

"You made Earth's Sexiest Bachelor again." Shepard told him with a sweet smile.

Kaidan rubbed his forehead as he shook his head. "I will never understand that."

"They wanted me to describe how it felt to regularly have my hands on the best ass in known space." She continued.

Kaidan froze. "What did you tell them?" There was a note of dread in his voice.

She blinked in feigned innocence. "No comment. Did you want me to say something to them? I thought it would embarrass you."

He crossed his arms over his chest and gave her his disapproving look. "What did you do, Shepard?"

A wicked light entered her eyes and she stood, reaching into a duffle bag near the water. "I got you a pair of jogging pants." She pulled the folded blue material from the depths of the bag and tossed it to him.

Suspicious, Kaidan unfolded the pants. The front was unremarkable and looked just like several other pairs he had in his possession. The back had black wording on it in a curve that would rest over his rear and read 'Commander Shepard's Squeeze Zone'.

He laughed, shaking his head. "I'm surprised you didn't have a warning on there about shooting trespassers."

"Not enough space." She answered easily enough, smiling. "I figure this one gets my point across without involving images of my Widow. And if I did put images of my Widow on your jogging pants everyone would think you were just bragging."

Kaidan closed his eyes, shaking his head and decided a change of subject was in order. "We leave this evening. I'm going to assume you've packed?"

"Widow, check. Hand Cannon, check. Cain, check. Armor…"

"This is a vacation, Shepard, not an invasion. You don't need your Widow and you certainly don't need your Cain." Kaidan immediately objected.

Shepard's gaze narrowed. "Every time you have made me leave my Cain behind something bad has happened. You keep this up and my Cain isn't going to like you anymore."

"It's a gun, Shepard, not a sentient being."

"Okay, now you just hurt his feelings." Shepard crossed her arms under her breasts, weight on one hip as she glared at him. "And if I leave my Widow on the Normandy she'll be lonely and cry because I've abandoned her."

"Maybe your Cain, being the big, tough, heavy weapon he is will console her and they can have orgies on our bed." Kaidan retorted with exasperation.

"Ohhhhh, can you imagine the babies they'd have?" Shepard's expression turned rapturous. "Scope a target…big boom!"

"Shepard, I am really done talking about your unhealthy obsession with your weapons."

She laughed and stroked her fingers through his hair. "What can I say? I didn't exactly grow up playing with dolls." She pressed a long, lingering kiss to his lips.

He gave her a lopsided smile after the kiss broke off. "I was thinking something more along the lines of that red number from Illium and maybe a swimsuit."

"Wow, that will leave a memorable impression as we go through Customs." She laughed and reached for a nearby towel. "Fine. Widow stays home, Cain stays home. Armor stays home. I'm bringing my Hand Cannon, a swimsuit and the red number from Illium. Speaking of, why haven't you bought me any other lingerie? You have good taste. Better than my own."

Kaidan's eyes took on a faraway look and he gave a shudder. "No. Never again. I have a deep and abiding love for you, Shepard, but I don't think it's enough to get me to ever enter a lingerie store again."

She gave a snorting laugh and snagged her duffle from the floor. "It's not a question of loving me enough, Alenko. It's a question of whether or not the sex is worth it."

He paused, his expression conflicted. "Okay, we wear out the red one and then I'll think about getting you another one."

"Well, we've got three weeks, we can give it our best shot." She was about to sling the bag over her shoulder when he deftly caught it and took it from her.

"Oh, I intend to." His voice was husky and his eyes smoky as he looked at her. "Just you and me, a beach and relaxation."

Her expression lit with happiness and she smiled at him. "I know. So do your thing for Anderson and let's get out of here before something else attacks the Universe and we have to save it again."

* * *

The sound of gunfire shattered Kaidan's dreams and he jerked upright in bed, reaching for a weapon he had purposely left in his duffle bag, determined to make this vacation a relaxing one.

"You stupid…you are dead, you bastard! I will hunt you down and you will die!" Shepard's cursing was followed by more gunfire and a un-Shepardlike squeal.

Kaidan jerked on his blue boxer-briefs underwear, the nearest clothing to hand, and snagged his gun. He leaned against the wall near the door to the kitchen, ready, before darting his head around the corner to get a visual and jerking back to cover quickly.

Confused, he paused and took a longer look.

Shepard was standing on a chair in the middle of the kitchen clad only in her one piece bathing suit, her gun aimed at the floor. Her expression was fierce and determined as the barrel of her Hand Cannon tracked something. Another squeak from her and the gun fired again at something Kaidan couldn't see.

"Well, there goes the deposit." He commented sauntering into the room.

"Quick! Flush it out for me." Shepard ordered him, her eyes not leaving the floor. "It's under the cabinet and I can't get a good line on it with my Hand Cannon. I seriously wish you had let me bring my Widow. It would have been dead the moment I saw it."

"What are you trying to kill?" He yawned running a hand through his sleep mussed hair.

A spider, roughly the size of Kaidan's palm, sprinted out from under the cabinet directly toward Shepard's chair. She emitted another one of the squeaks he'd been hearing and fired again.

"It's attacking! Kill it!" She ordered as he stared at her, dumbfounded.

The spider darted under the chair and Shepard began a jerking, circling movement, gun aimed down, waiting for it to reappear again.

"See, it's smart. It's waiting for me to put my foot down on the floor and then it's going to attack." Shepard hissed, her expression almost maniacal. "It tried to ambush me as I headed for a swim, but I saw it."

"You were taking your gun swimming?" Kaidan asked as he placed his own on the counter and headed straight for the fridge and something to drink.

"Are you insane?" Shepard demanded. "It could go after you!"

Kaidan rolled his eyes, crouched near the chair and held out a hand. "They aren't poisonous. They aren't deadly and they don't attack humans, Shepard." The spider, seeking high ground, immediately ran up his arm. "You'd better not try to shoot it off me." The last was a warning as her gun moved up.

"Get it off!" Shepard's gave a small shudder as she watched it crawl over him. "It's a spider!"

"It's harmless." Kaidan smiled at the furred creature. "Besides, how many creatures have been lined up in your sights and lived to tell the story? That makes him a pretty badass survivor."

"It's not a him, it's an it! And it needs to die!" Shepard scowled at him.

"You know, we have room next to your last surviving space hamster for another pet on the Normandy." Kaidan rubbed a finger along the back of the brown creature, an act it seemed to enjoy. "What do you think of Conan as a name?"

Another of the squeaks exhaled from her. "You can't have that as a pet! It's a spider! Spiders aren't pets! They're…they're…icky!"

He blinked at her. "I'm sorry, did Commander Shepard of the Normandy just say 'icky'?" A smile flirted about the corners of his mouth.

Fierce blue eyes glared at him. "I am out of clips at the moment, but as soon as I reload, I am going to shoot you and that thing crawling on you."

He laughed, unafraid as he grabbed her about the waist and lifted her down off the chair. When he leaned in for a kiss she shoved him back, shaking her head.

"No way are you touching me with that thing on you." She stated in flat tones. "You have spider cooties now and need to be sanitized."

"I had to fall in love with a woman who believes in spider cooties." Kaidan muttered with the air of someone praying for patience. "And explain to me why you let the Rachni Queen live if you're afraid of spiders?"

"I AM NOT AFRAID OF SPIDERS!" Shepard declared in ardent tones. "And it was different with the Rachni Queen. She looks more like a lobster. It's hard to be afraid of something when you're wondering if it would taste good with butter and lemon juice."

Kaidan burst into laughter, momentarily displacing the spider as his shoulders shook. The creature quickly scampered up his hair to rest on the top of his head, a crown that had Shepard staring in wide eyed captivation.

"I finally understand why Udina is terrified at the thought of you being any kind of diplomat or ambassador to any alien species." He managed after a moment, still grinning at her. "You could cause an intergalactic incident just because you skipped breakfast that morning."

"I am going for my swim." She declared, her eyes still on the spider. "If that thing is still in here when I get back, this vacation will be the shortest one in history. So maybe you better think about what you'd like to cuddle up to more. Me or…or…"

"His name is Conan." Kaidan told her.

Shepard's mouth opened and closed. Without a word, she turned on her heel, snatched up a colorful beach bag and towel from where they had been dropped and continued out the door.

"Really, the sex is worth it." Kaidan told the spider as he reached into the fridge and pulled out a cold energy drink designed specifically for the high calorie burn of biotics. "Plus, I do love her. Even when she's mental."

"Back door! Now!" Shepard came racing in the room, bag slung over shoulder, furiously slamming clips into her gun. "Grab your gun!"

Not hesitating with that tone in her voice, Kaidan snatched his gun up off the counter. As he ran through the bedroom, he snagged his tennis shoes and followed her out the back door.

They'd made it perhaps twenty feet out of the bungalow when it exploded in a fireball.

"What the Hell…" Kaidan said, his body lying over Shepard's in an effort to protect her from the flying shrapnel, a blue corona about both of them, his eyes on the remnants of the bungalow.

"Blue Sun mercs." Shepard responded, her gaze narrowed and angry. "They were pulling out missile launchers as I opened the front door. I didn't stop to ask why, just ran."

"How many?" He asked getting to his feet and helping her to hers.

"Eight at least. Possibly more." She answered standing guard, her eyes darting around the terrain, as he jerked his shoes on. "I figure we have twenty minutes before any emergency response teams show."

Kaidan arched an eyebrow at her. "Are you suggesting we wait for them?"

Shepard grimaced. "I'm pissed off enough to say no. But my only weapon is my Hand Cannon because _someone_ made me leave both my Widow and my Cain home."

"Shepard, I am standing here in my underwear. Do you really think this is a good time for you to complain because you don't have your favorite weapons?"

She laughed, flashing him an impudent grin. "Too bad they aren't all women mercs. You could turn around, raise your arms over your head and flex your butt cheeks and they'd all go tumbling to the ground squeeing like fan girls from an extranet site."

"I think you're biased, Shepard." He shook his head and began pulling her toward the tree line, seeking deeper cover for them.

"Spoiled is the word I would use." She answered, her eyes scanning behind them, watching for any of the mercenaries, as she moved. "We need to assess weapons since armor is obviously lacking."

"I have a full clip. What have you got?" He asked moving her behind a thick tree and pulling her down to a crouch.

Shepard pulled the bag off of her shoulder and pulled it open.

"Shepard, what part of 'vacation' do you not understand?" Kaidan demanded almost in disgust as he looked down at the loose pile of thermal clips. Nestled on the side were several flash-bang grenades and her wicked looking black knife. "When you go to the beach you take a book. Not things that go boom!"

She blinked at him. "Okay, I think the man running around in his underwear because we're being chased by bad guys should really focus on the here and now and not the past."

"It was ten minutes ago, Shepard!"

"I think there's a chocolate bar at the bottom. Maybe if you had some calories you wouldn't be so cranky." She began digging through the clips.

"I am cranky because this was supposed to be a vacation involving no weapons, no crisis of any kind, no bad guys, no good guys, just you and me and a whole lot of peace!" Kaidan shoved a hand through his hair. "And sex. Lots and lots of sex. Which I have not had any of yet because we were both wiped out from travelling yesterday!"

"So now is a bad time to mention that the red number from Illium was in the bungalow that just went boom and you'll have to go shopping for lingerie again?"

Kaidan scrubbed both hands down his face, his expression that of a man nearly pushed to the limits of what was reasonable. "I would like to think, Shepard, that even though I have spent my career in the military, that I am not a violent man."

Shepard smiled. "You want those mercs to pay, don't you?"

"In the worst way possible." Kaidan agreed fervently.

"No armor, no med-gel means we cannot be hit." She checked her Hand Cannon. "Flash-bangs make that a bit easier than it might otherwise be, but I have no plans to spend the rest of our vacation in a med-clinic." She pulled two clips out of the bag to hand to him and then paused, looking at his blue boxer-briefs.

"Don't even think about it." He said in flat tones. "You are not putting any clips in my underwear."

She grinned at him. "Trust me, Kaidan. There is nothing I would do to endanger any of the areas covered by your underwear."

He chuckled. "My biotics can even the odds for us and offer us some protection. You'll need to stay close to me."

"My favorite place." She looped the bag strap over her head and adjusted the weight until she was comfortable.

She looked up in time to catch an odd expression on Kaidan's face. He was watching her carefully and seemed torn about some decision he was trying to make.

"What is it?" She asked, concerned, leaning toward him, her palm resting on his stubbled cheek.

A self-deprecating smile curved his lips and he shook his head. "This just isn't how I planned our vacation going."

Shepard gave a one shoulder shrug. "We're alive, we're together. That was the plan, as far as I'm concerned. And really, Kaidan, I don't understand how you can have a relaxing vacation when you have all of it 'planned'. Can't you ever just…go with the flow? You have been so tense these last few weeks, stressing out over this vacation and making sure that it goes perfectly that I was beginning to wonder if it was worth it."

"Considering the 'plan' just got blown up, it does all seem like a waste, doesn't it?" He said in disgust.

Shepard frowned at him. "What's going on, Kaidan? What aren't you telling me?"

Voices nearby had them both tensing, hands to weapons.

"Okay, first, we kill bad guys." Shepard drew a grenade from her bag. "Then you and I are going to have a heart to heart over whatever has been bugging you."

He grimaced but inhaled deep and nodded. "Fair enough, Shepard."

"And after that, you are going to beat your fists on your chest and give a Tarzan yell while dressed exactly as you are now." She winked at him, wanting to see him smile.

"Tarzan was in a loin cloth, not his underwear." Kaidan retorted giving her what she wanted.

A distant look came to Shepard's eyes as she imagined that and her lips curved with wicked delight. "That would be okay, too."

A branch snapped near them and a blue corona began misting about Kaidan.

"Time to kill bad guys." He informed her.

She peered around the tree. "Eight BGs. Clustered around the bungalow arguing about who's going to go digging through the ash to find our bodies."

"Use a flash-bang." Kaidan said joining her to look out at the scene. "I'll toss a warp at the same time and that should flatten the field."

"Do you know how sexy it is when you talk tactics to me?" Shepard asked and primed the grenade in her hands before sending it into the clearing where the bungalow still burned.

Kaidan was seconds behind her, his warp a glowing globe. Once the flash exploded they both moved from behind the tree, Shepard in front, her gun barking quick shots at the fallen bodies about them, Kaidan directly behind her, his biotic barrier weaving about them both, his shots not as quick, but no less lethal.

None of the fallen got up.

"I didn't hear an Alpha." Shepard murmured as she shoved clips into her gun, her eyes on the terrain about them.

"Neither did I." Kaidan agreed. "They were arguing over who had to go in. The boss would have just told them to do it." He moved directly behind her, pulling her back against his chest as close as comfortably possible, his biotics stealing over her, encasing them both.

Shepard traded his gun for her ammo filled one and then began loading clips again, her head tilted to the side, listening, her eyes scanning about them. In the distance, sirens and hover cars could be heard.

Four mercs burst from cover near the beach, weapons firing.

Kaidan overloaded the armor on the obvious leader as Shepard's deadly aim took out the other three with head shots. Then both concentrated their shooting to quickly take the leader down.

"Who is this?" Shepard asked, confused, staring down at the dead Salarian's body.

"No idea. Don't care." Kaidan answered before sliding behind her, his right arm about her waist, flat palm pressing against her stomach, holding her in place as his left hand cupped her jaw and turned her face enough to slant a hot kiss over her willing mouth, his tongue sliding deep.

Shepard purred deep in her throat, reaching back to cup and stroke, not caring that the response teams were coming closer, not caring about much at all but getting closer until her hazed brain comprehended that if one of Kaidan's hand was on her stomach and the other stroking her neck, there was no way the crawling sensation up her thigh could be him.

Confused, she broke the kiss and looked down. "GET IT OFF!"

"Conan!" Kaidan caught her hands in one of his before she could smash the spider, quickly plucking the daring creature off of her skin and moving it to his shoulder. "That is one tough spider. Survives you…twice…and an explosion. Maybe I should call him Rambo instead of Conan."

Shepard's mouth gaped at him. "You are not…" She began in rough tones.

"Oh, yes I am." He said, cutting her off.

"It is not living in my cabin!" Shepard actually stomped her foot.

Kaidan tilted his head, a slow smile touching his lips. "It's our cabin and if I can put up with a space hamster, you can put up with a spider. Maybe we can empty out the fish tank since you've given up on keeping any alive and put him in there. Plenty of room for him to crawl around in."

Shepard stared at him. "There are no words." She finally said.

"Good. We'll empty the fish tank and turn it into an environment Rambo will love." Kaidan ran his finger over the spider's back. "Isn't Shepard so cute when she stomps around and acts all girly like that?"

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Shepard demanded, her entire body vibrating with outrage. "I am not girly!"

Brown eyes roamed over her, the clenched fists, the beautiful features flushed with anger, the pale eyes sparking, dark hair straggling from its original ponytail in uneven clumps, dirt and sand mixed to smear across her cheeks and most of her legs and feet. She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever known, ever wanted.

"Marry me."

"No spider will ever…_what?_" A stunned expression replaced anger as her eyes widened.

His head ducked, suddenly unsure, before he forced himself to meet her gaze again. "Marry me." The words were less confident this time, his posture stiffening slightly, almost defensively.

She closed her mouth, her expression closing completely.

He lifted and dropped a shoulder and his eyes couldn't look at her again. "It's…I wanted to make it special. A night under the stars…maybe you being slightly drunk would increase my chances of you saying yes. A beautiful ocean, just us, me down on one knee."

"It wasn't the vacation you were stressing about, was it." The words weren't really a question.

He swallowed and gave another shrug. "I…wanted…want…I…look, nevermind, okay? I should have just…for pity's sake, I'm in my underwear." He shook his head and turned away from her, toward the beach where the response team was landing. "I really…"

"Kaidan."

"…hope they have some sort of clothing…" He kept talking over her words, his own coming faster as if he were afraid that if he stopped he'd have to hear what she said.

"Kaidan!" She used her authority voice, cracking it out.

"It's okay, Shepard, I realize you aren't ready yet…"

"There goes your tongue, talking when it should be doing other things." She cut him off, her palms on his cheeks, her mouth reaching out to his, the kiss gentle and soft, her eyes moist. "Yes, Kaidan."

Fierce joy lit up his eyes, his arms banding about her, pressing her hard against his long frame, squeezing her tight enough to make her breathing difficult.

"I love you, Kaidan. And the answer is definitely yes. I will marry you." She said again, her fingers shaking slightly as she brushed them over his lips. "And if that spider crawls on me while I'm kissing you, it will really kill the mood. Possibly the spider, too."

Laughter exploded from him and held her, simply enjoying the feel of her in his arms and the moment.

"What do you think of having Rambo come on the honeymoon?"


End file.
